callmeloquacious

This last week my family (my Holyfield family, and my Daivs family) has had to say goodbye to people that we love. In truth, we are saying we will see you again in heaven as both of these ladies (my aunts) believed in Jesus.

As we were at Aunt Doris’ service I decided that she and Clayton were up to shenanigans (knowing both of them, they loved shenanigans). And we discussed the people she had gone to heaven before, people she was missing. In that moment I was hit with such a wave. Sorrow. Heartbreak. Jealousy.
The unfairness of it all. Thoughts that I do NOT allow myself (since post-Clayton). In that moment I thought that is wonderful for her, for them. They are in heaven, rejoicing and here we are experiencing grief. There they are together, with the babe I never knew, with the first love I had, and it was a moment of overwhelming sadness….

I have been told, was repeatedly told, I’m allowed to feel, to say all the things. To say it’s not fair. To say life is too hard. To be upset even angry. But, I have never allowed myself to do that for one reason. I know that once a seed is planted, and it takes root it can become difficult to weed that plant out. In my heart, the last thing I ever want is to take root is that seed of bitterness. Because once it does take root, bitterness can take over. It pours out in words and in actions. And while these days I’m working to figure out who I am, one thing I know I do not want to be is bitter.

The Bible continually speaks of God’s goodness. And in song, “The Goodness of God,” says in words exactly what I want my life to express:

All my life You have been faithful
All my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

I have been wondering as of late if I were to see people that I grew up with, if they know me. Would they see me and say, I know that girl. In so many ways I am the same. I’m me. Awkward. Bad at jokes. Lots of freckles. But in other ways, I’m not the same. I’m not who I once was. Probably many of us could say that. We change based on our circumstances. We change based on outside influences.

The events, all the “trials” everything that has happened makes a mark. A scar. A wound. We carry these things with us wherever we go. These life events can make us hard. We can put up armor in order to protect ourselves. Or, we can remain vulnerable. Soft hearted. Crying and laughing with others as needed. Trusting in God as the healer of our hearts.

….I prayed. I left the visitation and walked to the car. And I prayed. And, I again determined that I will not allow myself to become hard-hearted and angry. I will be thankful that one day I will become a resident of heaven. In the meantime, I’ll live in thankfulness on Earth. I’ll do my best to declare the goodness of God, in my messy human way. I’ll live like a newlywed for the remainder of my days and continually fall in love with Honey and my little men. And I’ll be cleaning up dirt, for the next foreseeable future. I do have four boys after all.

And I’ll cry because Earth is missing some beautiful people. So to them I say, I will see you again. I love you forever and always. This is just a see you later.