callmeloquacious

… and what if it doesn’t.

As my friend and Pastor once told me, grief and sorrow are like the waves on a beach. There are times when the water is gentle. You can walk alongside the water and not be moved. Then there are times when the waves will knock you down, leaving you breathless and drowning.

These last few weeks I have been walking the beach. There are moments of joy (little boys will do that), but there have also been moments of overwhelming sadness. Aunt Ellen, while I know she is whole and well in heaven, her absence has left us with a hole. Routines, schedules, visits, the knowing she’s gone- everything has changed.

I’m finding that the event of a loss dredges up emotions of other losses. Swirling them together in an overwhelming way. This week, Thursday night, I found myself caught in the grip of sorrow. But it wasn’t what has already happened, Clayton, Aunt Ellen, Uncle Robert, it was what if … happens.

What if something happens to Honey? What if something happens to my boys? My beautiful boys sleeping across the hallway. What if, what if, what if… My anxiety was running high. Tears were running down my face. It was a moment I knew I couldn’t live in forever.

In those moments of anxiety, I did what I have had to do before. I looked to my Savior. The One who knows me best. The One who loves my family more than I can imagine. And I prayed. I walked into the quiet peaceful room of my beautiful boys, and I thanked God for them. I also prayed for them as I have done before. I prayed that God would help me to live in peace and not fear.

And I found as I was praying, His peace settled back into my heart. The What Ifs were pushed away, and I rested in the right now.

That night, I was reminded that if our What Ifs become What Is, God will give us what we need. He will give us the peace we need. The strength we need. The comfort.

We have to determine that if “What if” does happen, we will still trust the One who has always been. What if “what if” doesn’t happen? Can I choose to live in faith, knowing that God will give me what I need, when I need it?

I would like to tell you there is a once and done fix for this. I’m learning there is not. God is looking for us to daily have a relationship with Him. To daily need Him. To daily surrender. It is only with the help of God alone that I can trust in God. And when I do trust in Him, I can walk in peace.

So, today I ran around doing house chores and cooking food. I hugged my babies and enjoyed this messy, crazy life I’m living. And I thank God that I’m living it.