callmeloquacious

The last few years I’ve found myself having more defining moments than ever before. These defining moments stared me in the face, causing my heart to beat faster, my mind to race, and my faith to be called into question. “Who Am I?” echos continually in my mind.

I’ve always believed in God. Of course. It’s Who I Am. I trust God. Of course. That’s Who I Am. But then in these moments, these life changing, life defining moments everything was called into question. Who was I really? Who was I going to be? Who would the world see, and who would I see every time I looked into the mirror?

In so many ways that’s an easy answer. I’m me. Always me. If I’m at home, my outfits may or may not match, and I’m typically in “home pants”. (I heard that and it sounds so much better than pajama pants.) I’m always, continually trying to be more organized. Trying to not be a rolling mess. I’m trying to keep the children alive, my family fed, the house cleaned. I’m a wife. A mama. A daughter. A granddaughter. A niece. A sister. A million other things at any given time. I am a Child of God. But what does that mean? What does that look like? 

I like to say I’m 27, but the reality is, I’m not. And while I have two perfectly healthy little boys, having a third baby, post “age 27,” people tend to watch more. They speculate. They test. They question. In all that, the words they say, the words they don’t say bring thoughts to the forefront of my mind. Questions that should not be asked.

To be honest, everything has been fine. Every ultrasound has been great. The little peanut is growing, moving, heartbeat perfect, nothing concerning. But. A test returned back with no results. None. I received the call this past week and it caused everything to spin on its side. The test, just didn’t work. It didn’t return anything wrong. Nothing concerning. Just nothing. And it’s normal. And it happens quite often. And again, nothing is wrong.

But I found myself sobbing. Mourning the loss of … nothing. But mourning. I cried and talked to God. Argued with God telling Him I didn’t want to lose anyone else. I didn’t want to have another baby waiting in heaven. I’d already lost enough, right?
And I prayed and I read my Bible and I talked to doctors about the test. I talked to family. And that night I listened to a message my husband posted on Facebook. And as I listed I heard God speaking to me in every word. And as Ricky spoke on Romans 8:28…( “All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose”) I asked myself what does that mean. What does that mean in my life.

That night I was calmer. I had stopped crying and I went to sleep. But then. I was startled awake with the question, “Who Am I?” And I laid there staring in the dark as the question rattled around in my brain. Who am I? Am I a person who walks by faith not by sight? Or, am I a person who only trusts God in the daylight? Who am I? Am I going to mourn the loss of what I want? Am I going to accept the words of others who put worry into my brain, when it doesn’t belong there? Or, am I going to trust God. Am I going to believe that God has the final authority? Am I going to remember that God is the God of miracles? The God of peace?

In the dark, on Wednesday night, I answered the question. I am still all those other million things. The messy Mama whose goal is to make it through another day, but there is another answer. Who I AM, is a person who believes in God. Who I AM is a person that despite my circumstances trusts that God does work things together for my good- not always the way I want, but always for good. That God is always good. That God always does good things. And that is Who I Am. And that is who I will choose to be.

Are there storms? Yes. But I know the storm holder. And while the waves are not always calm, my heart can be.

“To trust God in the light is nothing, but trust Him in the dark- that is faith.” C.S. Spurgeon